Friday, August 31, 2012

Bleached Shirts and Music!

At the end of July,
I went to a Jay Brannan concert.
Don't know who he is? 
Go check him out!!

Anyways, I have sold Jay's merch for him every time he comes to Columbus and plays, 
so of course I wanted to sell it for him this time as well!
&He always lets me bring a +1 which is awesome since I don't drive!

This year he was being lazy super busy
and didn't have time to order shirts for the show.

So what do Ashlee & I do?
Make our own!

Here's a quick DIY!

[we both are...we're rebels]

Cardboard(for in between the layers of the shirt!)
Bleach Pen
Something to tie shirts down with

1. Tie shirts down with 1 side on each part of cardboard.
2.Draw/Write on shirt with bleach pen!
3.Let sit for a few hours (ours sat for almost 12!)
4.Wash in a normal cycle-ALONE!

The front of my shirt.
Lyrics from:
Back of my shirt.

Front of Ashlee's shirt.
Lyrics from:

Back of Ashlee's shirt.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Sometimes and Always...

I've been seeing this idea floating around the blogosphere and decided to finally do it!


...I wonder why I have no friends.
...I wish I was more "in" with blogging.
...I get random bouts of confidence(and love it!!)


...I am thankful for my friends and family.
...I'm in love with Dustin, despite the distance and hardships!
...I am proud of this little blog, and what has come from it.
...I am happy I have you!

Here's a few photos of what's been going on in my world!

Saying Goodbye to the New Grads!
 Ice cream savior during power outages!
Baby Arie a few months back, 2 months and she will be here!
(BFF's baby, not mine!)

Friday, August 10, 2012

Will my battle ever end?

I feel like I am constantly at war with myself.
At war with society.
At war with family, friends, maybe even you?

I don't know where I stand on many issues in life,
I really don't.

I know I'm young, I'm only 20.
But by 20, shouldn't I have my own set of beliefs?
Should I still be changing my beliefs like middle school crushes?

I've written about this before here.

But this time I'm telling you why my beliefs keep changing.
Why this war keeps raging on.

When I was younger, I used to go to church.
Only for Missionettes,
but that's better than nothing right?

I loved it!
I loved God, my girls, my church. 
I loved it all.

Somewhere in there,
in all the Bible readings, the memorization of verses, the camps&retreats,
somewhere something changed in me.

I started questioning everything I was learning and reading.

My Dad was surely a man of God...wasn't he?
We didn't go to Church, but he always carried a token with the Serenity Prayer on it.
He always helped others, even if he went without.
He adopted me, both for me and himself.
But he used to drink and use drugs.

He quit. He got help.
He regularly attended AA and NA, as did I.
But did God forgive him?

At what point can God not forgive you anymore?
Some say he can forgive anything,
some say he can't.
Are drugs and drinking past the line?
Or is that line meant for more serious things like rape and murder?

How do you know when one goes too far past that line?
Can you ever return?

These questions in my mind ate away at me at Church. 
The more questions I asked, the more that were aked back.

I was judged. Bad.

"Your mom is a lesbian..Don't you know she's going to hell?"
"Since both your parents are gay, you're going to be too you know... you're all going to rot in hell together."
"You like bands like KISS? You know they worship the devil don't you?"

I left the Church.
I left the Bible.
I left God.


I was happy with my decision. 
My life got so much simpler.
I grew up, the girls grew up.
That was that.

Then there was a bad time in life.
(I posted about it yesterday, read it here)
I didn't know who to turn to, who to help.
I crossed that line.
I knew it. 
There was no way out.

I either died, or I chose God.

How dare my mind make that a hard decision for me.
How dare my mind take me into those dark places.
How dare God let me go there.
That's how I made my choice.

But guess what?
I'm still here.
God showed me that even when I want to make my own decisions,
even when I think there's no other way,
no one  left to save me.
There he is.
He made his choice, and it finalized mine.

Okay, I get it.
You made your point.
I'm here God.
I'm hanging on.
Thank you.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Have you ever hit rock bottom?

I most certainly have. 

I have made so many mistakes in life, and I'm only 20.
I wouldn't go back and change any though. 
No regrets.

My senior year in High School I got wrapped up in a world I never thought possible.
I did stupid things, so many stupid things.
Horrible, harmful things. 

I hit rock bottom.

It just hit me, I woke up one morning wondering what the point of waking up was?
Why should I go to school?
I have no friends left.
Why should I leave my room?
My family has no love for me.
Why should I talk to my boyfriend?
Surely he doesn't love me.
The whole world was resting on my shoulders and not on person cared.

On the happiest night I had in what seemed like years,
I decided it was time.


It just so happened I was with a group of friends and we were out of town.
I took a bunch of pills.
I continued ice skating the night away.
I was finally free, that huge weight on my shoulders?
I had an amazing night.

I remember getting in the car.
Middle of the backseat. Safe and Snug.
I remember eating lemonheads.
But where did they come from?
I remember listening to music.
My heart was racing.
I remember my friends yelling at me.
I couldn't sit up.
I remember the look of panic on her face.
Why can't I stop laughing?
I remember the anger and hurt in her eyes.
I couldn't say I love you.

I woke up the next morning in my living room.
Glasses no where to be found ( I'm nearly blind people!)
I went in my room panicking, found my boyfriend passed out on the couch.
I begged him to tell me what was going on.
Where am I? What happened? How did I get home?

He had no answers.
How did he have no answers?

My room was a mess...
food everywhere,
clothes everywhere.
What happened last night?

I called my best friend.
She was furious.
She was sad.
She was scared.

She told me my boyfriend carried me inside.
Asked me what I took...I had no idea!
Filled in the pieces as best as she could.


I went to a Psychiatric Facility 2 days later.
I stayed for a week.
My life changed for the better.

I am so thankful I have a best friend who will always stand by my side,
even when I do so many wrongs.
I'm thankful for a family who didn't want to see me go, but knew I needed help they could no longer give me.
I'm thankful for said boyfriend taking that as his hint to leave, I'm who I am because you ruined me.

But I don't regret you.
I don't regret my choices.
I don't regret that night.

I have not done any drugs, drank, self mutilated, 
thought about suicide, or given up hope since that night.

I am so strong.
I will always be there for you.
I can get through 
a n y t h i n g.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Perspective Photo Challenege : Life

I have some rather serious posts coming up,
I honestly had no idea how to pop some happy up around them.
I was wandering aimlessly around the blogworld 
(you know what I'm talking about!)
&Realized Lena from Mom 2 Memphis and Ruby has her own Photo Link up on her Photography blog!

How Perfect :)

This weeks theme is:


(Seriously, she must be listening in on my thoughts...Love you Lena!)

Here are my 3 photos :)

This is my nephew Caleb. He was born at 27 weeks, this was one of the first times I saw him without CPAP :)
Caleb is turning 5 next month

You'll be seeing a little more of him soon!

The littles in my life are what keep me going!
This is probably the worst picture of myself, 
but 2 of my boys are looking mighty good!

There are so many things I love about this picture,
his too short pants,
my love for moccasins no matter what,
crazy hair,
true smiles,
beautiful scenery.

It sucks not being with him,
but so many things in life are better and different because of him.

I think you can tell my life is all about the people in it.
Not myself.
But you. And them.


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Don't you love giveaways?

Once Upon a time, back in February or early March,
I won a giveaway over at 5ohWifey's blog.

I received some AWESOME stuff,
like a hair clip.
And some ad space, and gift cards that I've long spent.
(And Now have things to show you!)

But since we were moving, as soon as I received this one particular gift, 
I packed it.

&I just found it and you just have to see it!


Etsy Shop